promise me you'll never cry on the internet
please
QUICK HITS
Dr Pepper is now tied with Pepsi as the no. 2 soda in the U.S
How brands capitalize on Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy
Male birth control gel is safe and effective, new trial findings show
The former CEO of Victoria Beckham Beauty launched her own beauty and skincare brand for women over 40. Prior to her time with Victoria Beckham, Sarah Creal worked at Prada Beauty (remember the iconic lip balms from the late ’90s?), Estée Lauder, Tom Ford, L’Oréal, Bobbi Brown, and Aerin Lauder. So she knows what she’s doing. Now with Sarah Creal Beauty, she’s creating products specifically formulated to respond to the complex beauty needs of women over 40. The branding so far is fresh, fun and sophisticated. I want this to succeed. The New York Times recently did a profile on Brooke Shields- also over 40, also launching a beauty line for women over 40. And a few days ago, The Post asked why everyone wants to dress like Katie Holmes. Turns out she’s releasing a line of clothing with A.P.C., the French brand beloved for its exacting wardrobe staples.
If you’re thinking, Ochuko, why are you acting like women over 40 having the spotlight is a big deal? Well, it is a big deal- particularly in more image driven industries like fashion and beauty and media. But I think this is poised to become a high growth category. Middle aged women are simultaneously obsessed with youthfulness and embracing the aging process. Somehow, it works, and I think there are going to be more and more brands built around helping women over 40 feel great about themselves as they navigate that tension. Everyone talks about the weird millennial and Gen Z beef. But not enough people talk about the love affair between Gen Z and Gen X women. They make me so happy.
First of all, I want to beg you all to never cry on camera. Promise me. More so, never cry on camera and then post it on social media. Because then you will always be that person who cried on camera and then posted it on social media. Is that what you want? Now that’s settled (and I hope it is), dating as a young woman is obviously pretty awful right now. (I actually suspect it’s awful for all involved, but we’re talking about women right now). And this isn’t just an American thing- trust me, it’s everywhere. But don’t worry, I may or may not know of a new dating app that will solve all your problems. It may or may not be called Friend of A Friend. And the waitlist may or may not be open right now!
Trump already has over five million followers on TikTok. His campaign also raised a record $141 million last month, thanks in large part to his ‘hush-money’ guilty verdict.
One can only aspire to wield as much power as a pregnant Molly Baz. "It is without a doubt one of the greatest joys of my career to date to be the first preggo woman ever on a CEREAL BOX!!! and not just any cereal but the GOATed SPECIAL K!!!!!!" I felt every single one of those exclamation marks. Long live the beautiful blonde pregnant woman selling us things. Side note: smart move by Kellogg to enter the conversation in this way.
OMG your hair looks so cute! American praise-culture is such a thing; I don’t even think you guys realize how much so. But ugh I miss it! The fake dopamine hits, the too friendly randos! White strangers being like “omg I love your skin. omg I love your hair. Is it real?” Used to make me sick, but now I’m in Germany I could use a smile once in a while! Also, I’m convinced Americans are the only ones that say ‘omg’ out loud and unironically. Love it, though.
Let’s talk about the yassification of Walmart. I’ve seen no less than five articles in the last month telling me that Walmart store managers make way more than me. ‘Did you know that Walmart store managers can make up to $530,000 a year?!’ Yes Morning Brew, it’s what all the papers have been saying. And everyone is freaking out because they topped the Fortune 500 list. Not Apple, not Meta, not Tesla. But they’ve been topping this list for the last 12 years, so what gives? Now look at this Bloomberg headline: ‘Walmart Is Trading Warehouse HQ for Campus With a Rooftop Bar.’ What can I say, there’s clearly a new hire on that PR roster.
Meta wants to make Facebook cool again. They want to win back “the youth”. I don’t think the people over there realize that “the youth” not only find Facebook irrelevant, we find it scary. A new study found that only a tiny portion of people spread almost all the fake news. “Older, white, conservative, and incredibly online women in red states.” Gasp! For Gen Z, Facebook’s utility goes as far as Facebook Marketplace and birthday reminders. There’s a reason young people make up only 19% of Facebook’s daily active users. One only needs so much second hand furniture.
There’s a new AI streaming service that lets viewers create their own shows, and it sounds like a nightmare.
Everyone is shamelessly raising prices this week: Spotify (ugh), Max (smart), Glossier (huh). I could tell you what I think about all this, but the r/glossier community always says it better.
Pharrell’s first Louis Vuitton fragrance is here. “LVERS, an eau de parfum that bloomed from a creative dialogue between the LV creative director and its in-house perfumer, Jacques Cavallier-belletrud, is all about capturing the power of sunlight in a bottle.” Fragrance copy is such a particular thing. Looks like they’ve created a few accessories to go with it too. Bag is a pass, but the key chains are cute.
Who made it into Jenna Lyon’s closet sale? Let me know what you got! She’s clearly her own brand (never needed Coveteur) and
thinks she might be part of Substack’s pivot to video.Rihanna is launching a hairline for Fenty, and I don’t want to start up the ‘why she is wearing a wig to promote this’ conversation again. But why is she wearing a wig to promote this? Anyway, Fenty Hair is “a flexible line of products for not only every hair want, but every single product is designed to strengthen and repair all types of hair, which is what we truly need!” All types of hair? Ha! That'll be the day. My best friend is biracial and has 3C hair. I’m not and have 4C hair. The same products barely work for us, so I’d love to see the hair product that works for all hair types. This is so Cécred of Rihanna. I don’t know why they always go with this strange positioning.
Marc Jacobs wants protesters to stop bullying him for using fur, which he claims his brand hasn't used since 2018. Hang in there, Marc. Word on the street is that CAFT will be moving on to Max Mara soon. So it won’t be long now.
If the Gucci belt is back, I’m leaving.
Lauren Sherman didn’t set out to be feared, but I think you should still be afraid of her. This is such a fun interview from
. I love the tough questions. If you care about the fashion and/or beauty industry, and are not already subscribed to Line Sheet, this is your sign.A conversation about how we have a lot more agency as consumers than we give ourselves credit for, is a conversation I'm always willing to have!
thinks '‘wellness’ is dumb, and you guys already know what I think.I really don't mind brands sponsoring Substack posts. In fact, I think it's great. You can't complain about the slow death of legacy publishing and the challenges of making a living as a writer and still take issue with writers charging (you or brands) for their work. I mean, there's nuance here, but I largely think the idea of being a sell out is a bit whack. Everyone needs to eat. Everyone wants nice things. What I'm not keen on, though, is Substack brand publications. Brands trying to build ‘community’ on substack. It’s probably inevitable, but still.
Alo Yoga and Vuori are eating up Lululemon’s market share. Apparently the viral success of its Everywhere Belt Bag was a smokescreen, but I could have told you that. Look at this scary graph, too.
Childbirth is deadlier in the US than in any other high-income nation, and Black women have the highest death rate. This really hurts my heart.
Fascinating story about the Amish-Chinese mushroom collaboration. Go read it yourselves.
New York will never get tired of croissants, as long as there’s a line to buy them. “Chances are good that no matter where you live in the city, you are not far from a line of customers, stretching around a block, all waiting patiently to buy some baked goods.” I don’t even live in New York, and yet I know this to be true. According to Vogue, New York is going through a pastry renaissance. According to me, brands are going through a ‘let’s open a coffee shop’ renaissance. Ozempic be damned, people love sweet treats!
Today’s book rec is Disorientation by Elaine Hsieh Chou. It’s like Yellowface but better. Also, look at that cover! Here’s my review.
Another sports star, another sports drink. Lionel Messi has partnered with White Claw’s parent company to create a new hydration beverage. “Más+ by Messi is a low-sugar drink containing electrolytes and vitamins without artificial sweeteners, colors or caffeine. It comes in four flavors including Miami Punch for his current team Inter Miami and Orange d’Or, a nod to the eight times he won the prestigious Ballon d’Or trophy.” Everyone wants to be the Gatorade for Gen Alpha.
Office Magazine talked to Pierce Abernathy about collaborating with Palestinian-American chef Nadia Irshaid Gilbert for his annual spring tour. This year, they're raising funds for Gaza and other local initiatives.
The Washington Post is building a “social media newsroom”. No one knows what that means.
Christie's was hit with class action lawsuit over exposure of clients' personal data in cyberattack. Not surprised, they’ve handled this situation very strangely thus far. Here’s a recap from a previous newsletter.
Remember when Christie’s website was hacked just days before its marquee sales which were expected to bring in around $840 million? No? Well, I’m telling you it happened. But now, RansomHub, the group responsible for the hacks, is threatening to leak data on the British auction house’s clients. In response, Christie’s released a statement confirming the breach, adding that “there is no evidence that any financial or transactional records were compromised.” To which the hackers responded: “it is clear that if this information is posted, they will incur heavy fines from GDPR as well as ruining their reputation with their clients.” Whatever the case, this is a really bad look for Christie’s. And in this economy?!
Alec Baldwin and his family are starring in a new reality series for TLC. 1.) Makes sense, trials are expensive. 2.) Anyone else shocked by the decor of this home? It’s the only thing I could notice.
Sabrina Carpenter announced a new album. Smart girl. To celebrate, I’m resurfacing a fun thing I wrote about the relationship between Sabrina, Olivia Rodrigo, and Taylor Swift a while ago. It’s not updated, but you’ll get the point.
SABRINA CARPENTER: AS SEEN ON MY TIMELINE
I’ve been thinking about Sabrina Carpenter a lot lately- she’s young, hot, and everywhere. What to make of her sudden ubiquity? She’s a pop star, yes- of the next gen Disney child star variety, but until now I think most of us best knew her as a recurring character in the stories of two much bigger stars. In one she’s cast as a rival; the classic blonde femme fatale. And in the other, an eager ingenue.
I thought it’ll be fun to chart Sabrina’s rise to pop culture relevance from my POV- I who have never listened to any of her songs (I have now!), but who is chronically online.
I’m first introduced to Sabrina through Olivia Rodrigo’s drivers license as “that blond girl who always made me doubt”. And while as a society, we remain collectively unsure who “Becky with the good hair” is- this was one mystery that didn’t take long to unravel.
In classic rebuttal form, Sabrina release skin, her first song known to me. For internet users of a certain age, this is a chance to reenact the millennial wars of the Selena vs Hailey fandoms.
Summer of 2021- that magical period when I was just out of college but hadn’t started my first ‘big girl job’ yet. Blasting Olivia’s sour album from my janky speaker and dancing around a friend’s tiny plant filled living room where my soon to be roommate and I were crashing until our lease started. We belt out de ja vu and traitor- songs we’d only just started to memorise, wondering who this girl was that seemed to “totally get us” in a way only one other artist had before. Is she the next Taylor Swift we ask? Weren’t we all asking that?
Taylor herself seems to cosign the young artist. That is, until she claims 50% of the royalties on Olivia’s de ja vu. If they were ever friends, they’re certainly not anymore.
Taylor goes on tour, breaks up with Joe Alwyn, gets with Matty Healy, and then Travis Kelce. She literally takes over our lives. I love to hate it.
Guess who’s the opening act on Taylor’s Eras tour. Sabrina! That Sabrina?! That Sabrina. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, I guess. And no, I do not believe Taylor is above this. Queue Mastermind.
Whatever the motive, Sabrina seizes the day. She’s hot. She’s cool. She makes jokes. She makes headlines.
Olivia meanwhile, releases a second album (is vampire about Taylor? lacy about Sabrina?), goes on tour (where she made moms mad), and remains our resident pop culture starlet.
Saltburn happens and the internet falls in love with Irish men. We now know who Barry Keoghan is. Sabrina and Barry maybe a thing? (Confirmed!) Headlines, headlines.
Sabrina for SKIMS (umm this cool with Taylor?), Sabrina for Supergoop (low key the real winner here), Sabrina coffee? Not quite Erewhon but it’s a start.
Now, I won’t go as far as saying Olivia and Taylor made Sabrina Carpenter, but I’m sure you can see how a less generous soul could make that cognitive leap.
It’s always your subtle jokes in between. Love it so much. You see that crying on the internet, never do that please. Thanks a lot dear
I don’t know you personally Ochuko, but I love the way you write! 💗